Pointless

Please tell me.
How do I let my child out of the house now?
How do I send him to school?
How can I possibly explain this to him?

A certain kind of light

It's been out there for some time, but it never fails to make me happy.



See? Happy.

To whom it may concern: It is springtime. It is late afternoon.

That which I am

Back in January, I fell apart. Not for the first time, and I’m guessing not for the last, but it was a more dramatic and obvious sort of disintegration than I’d ever experienced before. There was a complete vicissitude in my thinking, my coping abilities. Depression has been with me in various forms for years, but this was the first time I ever reacted to it with irresponsibility (I got in my car without telling anyone and drove three states away), and seemingly irrevocable despondency (for real? I don’t know, but it seemed easier than waking up the next morning). In Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote of her depression: “I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal…what if I am stuck down here for good?” For GOOD. It was one of the most terrifying concepts I could imagine -- being forever trapped in a hell not necessarily of my own chemical devising, but one contributed to by the very real situation I was facing at home. A failure of my life plan. A hell that no doctor, no meds, no amount of meditation of yoga or prayer would improve. I sat in my car at the edge of the ocean in a little town far, far north of where I live, watching the shadows in the gloaming (were those angels or devils I saw beckoning?), thinking about what a fucking hot mess my life had become.

Drove home.

Intervention of sorts.

A week in the Caymans.

Yoga.

Tweaking of the meds.

Sleep. More yoga.

Stillness.

Buddha.

Spring.

And now, for the first time in almost a year, spaciousness.

Look. This is your world! You can't not look. There is no other world. This is your world; it is your feast. You inherited this; you inherited these eyeballs; you inherited this world of color. Look at the greatness of the whole thing. Look! Don't hesitate - look! Open your eyes. Don't blink, and look, look - look further. — Trungpa

constant as the northern star

a case of you.mp3

Thank you.

A nod to Mr. Ginsberg

Well while I'm here
I'll do the work.
And what's the work?
To ease the pain of living!
Everything else:
drunken dumbshow.

I was reading this (part of Memory Gardens -- Allen's eulogy for Jack Kerouac) last night, and thinking about the theory of "doing the work." Yesterday my therapist tasked me with acting "against my instinct." While this might sound counter-intuitive, it's designed to help me stop acting like a deer in headlights whenever I'm dealing with Matt. The demise of a marriage, especially when you're (I'm) not fully invested in it, has the unfortunate effect of making grown people (me) turn into babbling idiots. Yelling. Name-calling. Throwing of bananas. Evidently, this is not good for my image.

Therefore, I am now challenged with being agreeable. Being kind. Working smoothly toward compromise. Holding on to my integrity, no matter how hopeless and filled with despair I become.

Seems like a dumbshow either way.

Orange Sky

When I am alone
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You are my home
You are my home
And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this..
In your love, my salvation lies

Alexi Murdoch - Or...

4 out of 5 dentists recommend I be committed.

I was brushing my teeth last night -- standing in front of the mirror, mentally reviewing my day and thinking about how well I am holding up in the face of adversity. How proud I am! Hanging in there! Organized and peaceful! And a healthy smile to boot!

Rinse, spit, etc. As I was leaning over the sink, I noticed that there was a little bit of gunk collecting around the metal ring of the drain. Ew. I finished brushing, grabbed rubber gloves and some Soft Scrub from under the sink, and tried to clean it out with my finger. No go. I keep an old toothbrush under the sink for just such an emergency, so I pulled it out, gave the drain a good scrubbing, and, because I was feeling industrious, walked over to the bathtub as well and spiffed it up. Returned to the sink, gave the toothbrush a rinse to get the crud off, and then, again repeating affirmations on my wisdom and strength, stuck that nasty-ass toothbrush in my mouth. AS IF IT WAS MY REGULAR TOOTHBRUSH.

It's a whole new kind of gross.

Why I snorted coffee out my nose this morning

A conversation at the grownup table.

Four Immeasurables

May all beings have happiness and its causes,
May they never have suffering nor its causes;
May they constantly dwell in joy transcending sorrow;
May they dwell in equal love for both near and far.