Monday, July 28, 2008

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

I am so very grateful for this. For that. For him. Them. Us.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My Friend James

The most wonderful moment of my week was when I opened James Frey's new novel Bright Shiny Morning and saw the dedication page.

Nothing in this book should be considered accurate or reliable.

A million little fuck-yous. Brilliant.

(The book is fantastic, by the way. Go, read.)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I've Fit You Always

“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation…and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.” — Herman Hesse

Love your suffering. I’ve heard this over and over during the past few years. In yoga class. At meditation retreats. At a crazy Friday night kirtan where I sat next to a woman draped in mala beads who sobbed noisily throughout and intermittently cried out “I embrace you, misery!” while waving her hands in the air. I’ve read it in endless books on healing; buddhist, hindu, western. I’ve heard it at seminars, at Kripalu, in therapy. I’ve written the words and stared at them for countless hours. Love. Your. Suffering.

How do I do that?


Do I even want to?

Happiness is here. I’m no longer reveling in nihilism. I’m not holding onto anger. I am no longer dependent for the life of my life on another human being. I’ve walked away quietly into the empty spaces and found, if not enlightenment, then at least balance. I’m headlong into the theory of buddhist peace — I can touch it NOW. Be present in it now. I don’t need to do something now to get somewhere later. I’m here. I love looking in the mirror and recognizing the person who smiles back.

Sure, suffering is still there. I know it is. I’m human. I’m hip to the impermenance of almost any emotion, any experience. Happiness is a promise with a catch, right? Never forget from whence you came? I know that I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. I know that my emotions are my responsibility; contrivances with which I am actively complicit. I know that under the surface, there’s still a need to deal. I just like being happy SO much.


So came the flood. I was in urdhva uhanurasana, or backbend pose, this morning. I was rushing through my practice so I could get my day started; a mistake right there. I had left iTunes on and was listening to a playlist I had forgotten about. This song came on. I was completely unprepared for my reaction; shaking wrists, trembling legs. My energy, my chi, just went away, and I collapsed on the floor, tears streaming. It doesn’t take a genius to see the metaphor. I can stand alone, but I don’t want to.

I don’t want to do all of this alone.

The thought feels like a corner.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Day 147

Amazing how it comes around. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Monday, July 14, 2008

Telling It Like It Is.

My apologies for the lack of content here lately — it's not that I don't have much to say

(I do! I do!)

but I am under a bit of a self-imposed gag-order until the air clears.

I'm sure you



(you do, if you think you do.)

Meanwhile, enjoy some cute people.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Day 143: All You Need is Love

And a big bottle of Tylenol in the morning.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Remember life before…




Sticking head in


Thursday, July 3, 2008

We Now Know

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And you’re still here,
Right beside me,
Though you’ve said time and again,
To let it breathe.

And you want this,
To be over,
But you won’t release the past,
Until you’re gone.

We now know,
It’s alright.
We now know.

So you move on,
Here’s your new life,
Just like the old one,
It’s not quite right.

So you wrote this,
By your bedside,
And quietly you left it there for me,
To find.

We now know,
It’s alright.
We now know.

We shouldn’t have to try,
So hard.
So hard.
So hard.

And we struggle,
And we stay strong,
And we hold our bodies up against it all.
And we hold our bodies up against it all.

And we take on,
What we can do,
And trust somebody else to carry on,
Where we left off.

We now know,
It’s alright.
We shouldn’t have to try,
So hard.
We now know,
It’s alright.
We shouldn’t have to say,

He'll have to wait until he's 13 to get his ears pierced.