Friday, August 31, 2007

Go ahead, just kick me right…there

The ways in which I was blown off, ignored, or yelled at today:

Phone
Cell phone
Google instant message
Yahoo instant message
Email address #1
Email address #2
Text message from cell
Face to face in the driveway
Morse code
Smoke signal.

Ain't technology grand?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Bodhichitta

A human being is part of the whole called by us “the universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening the circle of understanding and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. – Albert Einstein

That’s a tall order. I get it, the idea of delusion locking us in, but how do we get out? What, and where, is the key? When our neurosis feels more primary than our wisdom, how do we clear the way for bodhichitta?

It has to be in there somewhere.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Nell

My grandma passed away yesterday. She was 93 and had been failing for a few months, so it wasn't totally unexpected, but as with any departure, I'm overwhelmed by the sadness that comes from having thought that I had more time with her.

A few months ago I was sitting with a friend at a hotel bar in the city. There was a group of people behind us, and one of the men in the party was singing. He was probably in his late 70s, and his voice was lovely, but even more interesting was his repertoire. Many of the songs he was singing were songs my grandmother had sung to me when I was a little girl and was visiting her and my grandfather in New Jersey for two weeks every summer; "Solomon Levi," "Lemon Tree," "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes." After a while, he came over and started talking to my friend about music, and we, fueled by whiskey and the charge of a unique shared experience, sang along with him for a few bars. It was fun. Later, I remember thinking how lucky I was to be able to pull those songs out of the dusty files in my brain. Thanks to Grandma.



I'm glad Calder got a chance to meet her.

I'm without grandparents now. It feels strange.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

so empty, so estranged


I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell
in my disasters

________________________________________________________

Will I always feel this way?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I Smell Cake!

Dear Calder:
Happy 4th Birthday! I’m still stumbling over that number; it seems such a short time ago I was griping about the fact that you, a person I hadn’t even been properly introduced to, felt entitled to shove both of your tremendous feet up under my rib cage while banging your lumpy head on top of my bladder. (I still plan on discussing that with you.) Life on the outside has been no less challenging for both of us, but oh golly, has it been fun.


You constantly delight me with your curiosity and enthusiasm for all things wheeled, bulldozed, excavated, and chocolate. Your propensity to act as if the things you want just might be the most brilliant ideas of the century (“wouldn’t an ice cream be REALLY GOOD right now? And maybe a new dump truck, too, wouldn’t that just be TO DIE???”), your ability to parrot back the things I wish I had never said (“mom, I thought you said cookies were not supposed to be for before dinner?”), and the ease with which you share my life (most of the time) have changed me forever.


Most admirable, however, is the way that you have handled the separation of your parents.To you, this was a new beginning. Two bedrooms! Two neighborhoods in which to make friends! Two sets of trains! Two playroom floor on which to strew MY GOD THE MATCHBOX CARS. Two parents naive enough to believe that you had a bath last night at mommy's/daddy's house, no need for one tonight, thank you very much! Your ability to find the silver lining in this dark storm is amazing. I hope this talent serves you well forever. I hope I can learn from you.



Tonight we have sushi and birthday cake. It’s going to be GREAT. Just like you, sugarpop. I love you.

— Mom

Monday, August 13, 2007

F*ck

storm clouds, again. Looks like the monkey is moving on.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

What saved me once…

…now at the movies!




I Hope Too.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

I Got A Really Good Heart

Not much of interest happening these days, except that Ryan Adams came over to my house, asked me all sorts of probing questions about my wack-ass life, and then wrote a personalized song JUST FOR ME. (Mechanics of emotional extrusion being what they are, he may have taken a bit of poetic-rock license.)

I love it when that happens.



The Sun Also Sets.mp3

When you get the time
Sit down and write me a letter
When you're feeling better
Drop me a line
I wanna know how it all works out
I had a feeling we were fading out
I didn't know that people faded out so fast
And that people faded out
When there was love enough left to fix it
But, there it is
There it is, we are only one push from the nest
There it is, we are only one argument from death
There it is, the sun rises
But the sun sets, the sun also sets
When you get these feelings
Next time, next time
Oh, be sure
You're gonna tear someone apart
I wanna know how it all works out
I had a feeling we were fading out
I didn't know that people faded out
That people faded out so fast
I wanna show you what I’ve got inside
But you know those parts of me died
Just like that, they faded out
They faded out so fast
And there was love enough left to fix it
But, there it is