Dear Dunkin’ Donuts lady,
No. I do not want a muffin or a donut with that. Please stop asking me. You already put seventeen sugars in my coffee. Are you trying to kill me by suggestively selling me a delicious chocolate-glazed donut? Or a four-pound blueberry muffin? Don’t you understand that I’m WEAK? Please don’t make me boycott you, Dunkin’ Donuts lady. Please don’t make me go to Starbucks where I have to learn all sorts of fancy ordering instructions. I just want my 2000-calorie coffee. Thank you.