Comments about courage notwithstanding, this is REALLY hard. I keep sitting down to write some sort of "yes, there is hope" post about my decision to get help and try to get healthy. But so many horrible things happened along the way that I'm having trouble with the"think positive" aspect of it. I keep waiting for a sliver of light to open in my mind, and my heart, but all I can do is think about (him) and (him) and how I'm still so lonely.
Just me and the pharmacy.
8 comments:
and us.
We're here too.
It' okay. Take your time. And when you're ready, we'll be here. Listening.
There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and you WILL get to it.
I've been there.
Loneliness anxiety is one of the toughest things to face because it cuts to a very primal instinct that we've had since birth: abandonment = death.
Perhaps you might ask yourself this question... Do you really want (him)? Or is there something you think you derive from (him) that really isn't there, but you haven't figured out how you will fill that emotional void with something else.
If you can convince yourself that what you truly want is something you can't get from (him) in reality, that might help to weaken the emotional chain binding you.
I read your comment about the passenger train at my blog. The abundance of snow, the absence of people, and the ramshackle condition of the cars might be why the photo has such a lonely feel to it.
Now, if you really want cold and lonely, try this posting from February (clicking on the image will give you a higher res version with more detail).
I hope you can take heart in knowing that loneliness wasn't the spirit of the post from Christmas Day. I was trying to convey the idea that choices are out there, but we need to choose for them to be relevant. If we stand idly by forever, we waste our lives adrift.
You still have time to choose a meaningful life. Listen to your heart. Do not give up. :-)
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2amsomewhere
what 2am said.
oh, and here is a nifty passage i read yesterday in the power of now. i thought of you when i read it... and this is why i'm not worried about you, rather i am excited for you..
"many people never realize that there can be no "salvation" in anything they do, possess, or attain. those who do realize it often become world-weary and depressed: if nothing can give you true fulfillment, what is there left to strive for, what is the point in anything? the old testament prophet must have arrived at such a realization when he wrote: "i have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind." when you reach this point, you are one step away from despair - and one step away from enlightenment."
...so in a weird way, you are right where you need to be. and not only will you get to that light at the end of the tunnel... you will BE that light.
Don't discount your courage, where would you be without it?
There is a natural progression to loss, and I imagine that having to fight your demons slows that natural progression down considerably.
You may not believe me, but someday, you will be able to look ahead to the possibilities instead of looking behind you to what you've been forced to leave behind.
I hope that 2008 brings you peace with the past so you are able to look ahead with relish.
Hugs
So true. I never loved a certain someone more than after he had said goodbye, and before I had.
Lisa, You have been on my heart since I found you through Karen's blog a few weeks ago. I'd rather send you an email but I want to reach out to you and send a little something to you if you'll allow me to. Please email me at blessingconspiracy at hotmail.com.
Blissings, April
Sometimes we have to be in the darkness, the loneliness, the not okness of things, let it have its way with us, before we can move toward the light. Both are always there.
May you be gentle with yourself.
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