His Ever Changing Moods

My Newest Discovery

Meet Noah:





He's doing some modeling for me.

I believe, I believe, I believe.

in faith. in karma. in love. in hanging in there. in myself.

Except when it's a hamster wheel.

I'm spending the evening with my Divorce [dis]Agreement. That's a whole lot of dead trees just so that we can confirm that we don't like each other very much.

Every time that wheel turn 'round, bound to cover just a little more ground...

The wheel is turning.

I'm checking lots of things off the Great List.

And my God does it feel good.



Photo courtesy of simpsonradio

Cautionary Tale

Calder had orientation for his kindergarten today. While the rest of his buddies undoubtedly couldn’t wait to bounce off the big-kid walls and slide down the big-kid slide, ol’ lightning rod here woke up chattering about how important it was for him to show me that the school bus — which he had taken a “practice” ride on during the last days of pre-school — didn’t have any seatbelts. “Mom, can you believe it?” he yelled to me from one of the little half-windows, “we’re totally DANGEROUS in here.”

Calder’s a cautious kid.

I remember when he was 6 months old or so, lots of other moms I knew who had kids his age were starting to stock up on cabinet latches, outlet covers, foam corner bumpers, toilet-seat locks (which are so flipping impossible to get open that they, in turn, necessitate mom and dad stocking up on Depends), door alarms…if there’s the slightest potential that your child could eat it, stick something in it, bonk his or her head on it, open it, close it, fall down it, smear it on the walls, or so much as touch it, there’s a flimsy plastic item for $9.99 at Babies-R-Us that will make parents feel safe for the whole 20 minutes it takes for junior to figure out how to operate, break, or gnaw the thing apart. The One Step Ahead catalog is like crack for new parents who can’t afford the Hammacher Schlemmer Invisababy Force Field. (No, really, I read about it in SkyMall once). Matt and I never really needed any of that stuff. Sure, we plugged the outlets and turned on the baby monitor, but for the most part, the stuff we declared off-limits to Calder, he left alone. Good boy.

Now that Calder is almost five, his cautiousness is still very much a part of him. He’s shy. He doesn’t warm up to people very quickly. He never ventures out into the street without waiting for me to hold his hand. If I start the car and his seatbelt isn’t yet fastened, he makes sure I know. If he’s told to wait a few minutes until his dinner cools off, it’s time for bed before he dares to take a bite. Most of the time I think this is totally charming and sweet, and I am grateful for fewer trips to the emergency room than most of my friends. Recently, however, his hesitance has made me a little sad for him. He has tons of good friends, but lately when we go to the playground, he feels left out because the other kids can all climb to the top of the monkey bars and he’s afraid to try. When we go to the pool or the beach, he gets frantic if water gets in his face, or if I leave his side. I took him out on the basketball court the other day to goof around, and when I gave him the ball and asked him to take a shot, he got upset and said he didn’t even want to try because he was afraid he would miss. It broke my heart. Not because he might not ever be good at basketball, but because I fear that much of his reticence is due to the mess his parents are in.

The only remaining issue on the table right now is where Calder will go to Kindergarten. There are two options:
1) He can go in the town where he has lived his whole life. He will be among friends. He has been to the school, has met the teachers, and knows his way around. He will have access to excellent occupational therapy, which has been recommended for him. He will live in a town that is familiar to him. The parent he will live with has job flexibility that will allow them to put Calder on the bus in the morning, and meet him off the bus in the afternoon. There are many friends and family in the town that can be counted on in an emergency.
2) He can go to school in a new town. He won’t know anyone and will have to make new friends. He doesn’t yet know where he will live in that town, the parent he will live with hasn’t yet established residency in that town (but intends to). It will be new and unfamiliar. His parent in that town will be able to put him on the bus in the morning, but will not meet the bus in the afternoon; instead, Calder will either be met by a babysitter or will attend a day-care until that parent gets home from work. There are family members in the area who can be counted on in an emergency.

Both schools are excellent. Both towns are safe and clean and full of families with children. The only real difference is stability for Calder; whether it’s better for him, in this year of enormous transition, where both parents have moved away from their homes and into new spaces, to keep as much of his life the same as it was before, with familiar faces and places, or whether it is better to start completely over in a brand-new place. I know what I think. I know what Matt thinks. I know what the child psychology textbooks say. I know what Child Services thinks. The judge won’t tell us what he thinks.

I know whatever happens, we will make the best of it, but for now, it’s all up in the air. And that seems like the unkindest thing of all.

Cautious kids — is it better to shake them up until they snap out of it, or is it better to give them a solid place where they can feel safe until the tempest is over?

Would you tell me what you think?

Thing-Finder

Calder is keeping a stern eye on his socks.

To Be Continued…

again.

Another continuation. Interestingly, the judge on this case seems to be as disgusted with our inability to come to an agreement as we are. Unless we submit to an evidentiary hearing (basically a mini-trial where Matt and I both have to call witnesses), he refuses to make a decision for us.

I can't say I blame him. This whole scenario is pretty absurd.

The good news? I got some VERY positive feedback from the Child Services counselor who met with us. I'm not at liberty to share details, but let's just say Matt's whole "mom was depressed, therefore she's dangerous" line of reasoning is not holding any water with the people involved at the court level. Not surprising to most of us =)

Thanks to all who responded both here and in private email -- knowing you were thinking of Calder on that day gave me such a sense of peace. I am humbled.

Watch this space -- we go back in two weeks.

Tomorrow

My final court date is tomorrow. Without going into the whole big story, more than likely Matt and I will be officially divorced by the end of the day.

Applaud if you'd like.

Also, and far more relevant -- tomorrow is the day when the judge will determine who gets custody of Calder. Matt and I have been unsuccessful in our attempts to come to some sort of agreement. I hate that we have to put it into the hands of the courts, where no one knows Calder, or me or Matt for that matter, but sadly, there seems to be no alternative. Stupid, huh? I think so. It's not a very proud moment for me.

I am determined, however, to accept the decision with grace. It may be the most difficult of these trials.

If you could spare a prayer, thought, intention, or other significant measure of good will towards my wonderful little boy tomorrow, I would be most grateful. Maybe even spread the word a bit. Can't hurt.

Thank you.

How people treat you is their karma;

how you react is yours.





I just adore this person.

Frank, a year.

“Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.” — HDT



Dear Papa in Heaven,

We miss you very much. We are drawing you a picture for your cloud wall.

Much love,
Calder and Lisa

Pesky Flies

they're sticking to everything.

unbelievably hot. I feel I'm writing from the surface of the sun.

Unpack, stand on head. Unpack, stand on head.

Between unpacking, my obsession with online Scrabble, and repeat trips to THANK GOD FOR IKEA, there's very little time for anything else. I've got a few in the pipeline, though, so stay tuned. Things are good. Really.

Who's Laughing Now, Punk?

This is the view from my kitchen window.

Lens flare optional.

DILF

Would it be inappropriate to mention that there is a TOTALLY hot guy in my (court-required) "Parents Apart" class?